Systematic Shittiness

In which I shamelessly rip off Monty Python

the scene: a table and two hard, straight-backed chairs, illuminated by a single bare lightbulb.  A man, disheveled and confused, sits at one of the chairs.  Opposite him sits a man in police uniform, clearly an interrogator.

Man: I don’t even understand what I’m in here for!

Interrogator: You have been accused of being a shitty person!

Man: What? Who accused me?

Interrogator: Doesn’t matter.  Someone has experienced your actions as shitty and so you are shitty.

Man: But I don’t even know how I’ve been shitty? How am I supposed to know how to not be shitty if I don’t even know who I’m being shitty to?

Interrogator: The fact that you lack the awareness of the consequences of your behavior indicates that you are in fact, a shitty person.  An absolute pile of garbage.  A real dumpster fire, as the kids say.

Man: I don’t think I’m shitty at all! Maybe I have some bad days but so does everyone.

Interrogator: Ah-ha! Who but a truly irredeemable pile of steaming, stinking shit would be completely unaware of how shitty he is! The fact that you deny your filthy, grimy, despicable shitty nature is concrete proof of it! You are so shitty you’re completely oblivious to how shitty you are!

Man: But how can I show that I’m not shitty? I give to charity, I use my turn signal, I put spiders outdoors instead of smashing them for God’s sake! What do I need to do?

I:You utter dismal accumulation of trash and refuse! You think those things are enough to absolve you of the abysmal nature of your shittiness? A shitty nature, may I add, that up until this moment you spent your every waking moment utterly oblivious to in inexcusable ignorance of the glaring signs of your shittiness that are all around you daily!

M: (visibly worn down) Ok, maybe I am a little shitty.  I don’t always tip, and sometimes I steal a little of my roommate’s food. But doesn’t everyone have a few little quirks that we all politely ignore?

I: You have taken the first step, but you fail to grasp the magnitude of your errors. You see these miniscule flaws and think you have understood the depths of your shittiness! You are born into shittiness, raised in it, inundated in it! Your every action is inherently shitty whether you intend it to be or not because you are nothing but the ignorant dupe of systematic shittiness!

M:(v/o) systematic shittiness! wow! I’m not even sure exactly what systematic means...maybe I am shitty without knowing it....gosh that’s a terrible thought though...

M: (out loud) ok, let’s say I am a little shittier than I think...what do I need to do about it?

I:Educate yourself! Books on how to be, if not completely not-shitty, at least marginally less shitty so that people can minimally tolerate your mere presence have been available for years and you have failed to take advantage of this fact! You have no one to blame for this lapse but yourself!

M: But if I’ve been taught to by sycophantically shi-

I: Systematically! not sycophantically you blithering numbskull!

M: Okay! If I’ve been systematically taught to be shitty then it’s not my fault then, isn’t it?

I:Of course it’s your fault! Your attempt to evade accountability for your shittiness is indeed another shitty act!

M: (sighs) ok, I guess...what are some titles you’d recommend?

I: You expect me to do the emotional labor of finding you books on becoming less shitty? No-one but a truly irredeemable waste of oxygen would, on being informed that he’s systematically shitty, immediately demand of others that they do the work for him!

M: So how am I supposed to know how to be less shitty then?

I: Educate yourself, you toxic pile of cockroach puke!

M: But how do I-

The two are interrupted by a third man, who enters the room abruptly.  He is also in a police uniform, and he carries a manila folder

Third Man: Sir, our Offense Investigative Squad have the background check you requested.  Sir, this one’s a real stinker, I mean an absolute pustule. (waves folder in the air) You won’t believe what’s in this folder, sir.  Three of our Investigators experienced trauma just finding out about this man’s heinous and problematic deeds.  They’ll be in the Level 5 Safe Space for the next 72 hours at least, and some of them needed Emergency Validation

I: Well, what did he do? If you won’t be traumatized by repeating it, and I understand completely if informing me of this man’s crimes is too much for you.

TM: (visibly steeling himself) I…I think I can manage, sir.  Sir, he-he used….I’m sorry…
I: Take your time

TM: He used the X-word!

M: The X-word? What word is that?

I: You know perfectly well what word it is, you abominable sack of gross pestilence!

M: No, I really don’t, can you tell me what-

TM: (faints)

I: Now look what you’ve done! Do you have any compassion whatsoever? You’ve made this man pass out! The mere thought of letting that-that-that word pass his lips was enough to render him unconscious!

M: But how am I supposed to know what word I used unless you tell me?

I: I can’t tell you, you dingbat! Use of the X-word, regardless of intent, is a punishable crime!  If your shittiness were even slightly in doubt, this proves it beyond all debate!

M: But how can I know what words I’m not allowed to say if you won’t tell me what they are?

I: Veins standing out in forehead YOU SHOULD KNOW ALREADY! You demand I commit a crime in order to save you from your disgusting ignorance and you have the gall to sit there and challenge our experience of you as a systematically shitty person!

M: (on the verge of breaking down) I don’t understand at all!  Why can’t you just tell me what word I said?

I: Because my intent in saying the word doesn’t matter, as you’d know if you had bothered to educate yourself! Intent isn’t impact, and if someone who the X-word has been used against were to overhear me using it, their trauma would be incalculable! (takes deep breaths) Ok, look, it’s perfectly simple.  Someone experienced you as shitty.  You can’t deny their lived experience of you as a shitty person.  All you can do is accept it, hold yourself accountable, and grow from the experience. And we have clear evidence of your shittiness. (picks up folder) You used the X-word, for God’s sake!

M: (exhausted) OK, fine, I’m a shitty person! What do I need to do to redeem myself?

I: Exile yourself indefinitely. 

M: But I-

I: No ifs ands or buts! You are a shitty person! Your very presence could cause trauma! You need to hold yourself accountable, and until you do, there is no place for you in society.  Now go!

M: Go where?

I: That’s your responsibility to figure out!

M: But how will I know when I can come back?

I: Again, you focus only on yourself, you used condom filled with pond scum! You worry only about your own well-being, and not about the immeasurable trauma you’ve caused with your shittiness! Guards!

Two guards enter, grabbing the man and hauling him bodily from the room, ignoring his protests

the Interrogator bends down and revives the third man.

I: It’s ok, he’s gone.  You’re probably feeling pretty traumatized by his shittiness, so I’d suggest you report to the Level 4 Safe Space for Emergency Validation.  It’s hard work being compassionate people

The two leave.  As the Interrogator steps out of the room, a spider scuttles across his path.  He steps on it and crushes it beneath the toe of his boot.